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The Raw Rant 13th October 2008 By Paps

October 14, 2008   ·   0 Comments

October 13th Raw Rant
By Paps


Im soooooo outa practise for this!!! How long has it been? Anyone miss  me? Didn’t think so!! Before I go on to the mess that was Raw this week I’d like to say a happy birthday to the biggest wrestling fan I’ve ever met in my life, Tom ‘Tomko’ Wright is 21 today! Happy birthday Tom! Have a good one bud!

Ok so.. what was Raw all about this week then? Well we start with a shot of Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho walking backstage and getting snarky with everyone. “Who are you texting Mickie?!” He goes in to talk to Raw general manager Mike Adamle and explains that he is somewhat unhappy with the stipulation for his Cyber Sunday match against Batista. YOU PICK THE REF! Well only if you live in the States and are prepared to spend money texing in your vote.. the rest of the world can go to hell because the WWE dont give a damn! HA! Just another reason to believe the voting has nothing to do with the outcome imagine our surprise! So, Jericho isn’t happy, he’s the Champion and Adamle’s biggest asset and he needs to be treated better! Adamle says he knows how to make it better… Batista can pick his opponent for tonight! You can imagine Jericho is less than impressed but Mike informs him that HE can pick Batista’s opponent too! That make him happy? Hell no! He’s Chris Jericho! He’s the King Of The World dammit! He demands more happiness!!!!! And Mike Adamle has Fangs!!! DAMN Im screwed!
Jericho storms to the ring demanding Shane & Stephanie listen to what he has to say and while Im watching this I relalise that most of these guys can not just walk out there and cut a flawless promo like this. Wrestling is DYING! Jericho is one of the last of the greats Im sure of it people so lap it up while you still can because… before we know it we’ll be left with Lance Cade and Cody Rhodes main eventing but I doubt we’ll still be even watching by then! (Although Im pretty sure Ric Flair’s head will still be wrestling… in a jar like the presidents on Futurama!)
Jericho is not happy about the guys that are in the running to be the special guest ref for his match at Cyber Sunday. He’s says it’s unfair and not right and if he has to lose the title at least make it a fair fight! Cue: God.. I mean HBK! He thinks he’s cute.. I know he’s sexy!
Shawn comes down and says he’d LOVE to be able to say that if they voted for him he’d call it right down the middle and be a fair official in the match between Jericho and Batista. When these guys go nose to nose there is barely any height difference though Shawn is billed as being 6’2″? That’s got to be wrong because I’ve met Jericho and he isn’t 6 feet tall!
Shawn says he would like Chris to win because then HE can beat him for the championship. But he says if he gets voted in as the special ref he’s going to make sure that Cyber Sunday is the worst day of Chris Jericho’s life! *Subliminal message: Vote Austin!* Jees!
Shawn attacks Jericho and I mark my butt off! Jericho escaps the wrath of Michaels and storms up the ramp only to come back out a few seconds later to announce that he’s decided who will face Batista tonight… SHAWN MICHAELS!!! Thanks Chris… thanks a lot!

After the break the arena errupts with pre-school squeals as Rey Mysterio makes his way to the ring, to be joined by Matt Hardy! (OOOH YEEAHH!!) to face Kane & Mark Henry? Haven’t we had this one already? And ponder this if you will, Matt Hardy: ECW Champion.. he gets a match on Raw two weeks in a row and naff-all on ECW what’s that all about?! Matt was awesome… Kane was cool as Kane always is and the other two needn’t have been in the match for my liking! Kane’s big boot finds Mysterio’s ribs as he leaps from the top turnbuckle, swatting him once again for the pin. Winners Kane & Mark Henry. After the match Kane goes to choke slam Mysterio and Rey counters, gives him a few kicks to the leg and then kicks him through the ropes. Everyone nod and say ‘Suuuuurrrrrre’ just like my 14 year old son does!

Batista is backstage with Todd, he says Jericho isn’t stupid he knows there’s no love lost between him and Shawn. He respects Shawn as a competitor, but if he tries to take him out he’s going to beat him to the punch. Blah!

JBL comes to the ring and blabbers on about nothing that held my interest. He mentions that he is a real American and right on cue Hogan’s music starts up to the thunderous pop from the crowd in the Honda centre! Of course it isn’t Hulk Hogan rather ‘Haas’ Hogan! Charlie is awesome! I’ve always liked him better than Shelton and I wish they’d take him seriously. I guess by doing this every week at least he’s employed and one of the more entertaining segments on Raw these days! After a missed leg drop the ‘Haas-ter’ runs into a clothesline from hell and JBL picks up the win.

Ringside Todd Grisham has found Johnny Knoxville and Chris Pointius in the crowd.. which isn’t funny because there’s never any fit blokes in the crowd when I go to live shows! ANY way… they are there of course to ‘poke fun’ at the The Great Khali. Pictures are shown taken from jackassworld.com where Knoxville and co have ‘doctored’ photos of Khali one of which has Johnny in the background holding up a sign saying “Big Sissy!” Woah hardcore! They deny everything! Damn hasn’t Pointius’ hair grown?

We get another Cena ‘montage’ with guys like Edge and Jeff Hardy talking about Cena’s passion for the business. It ends with a graphic saying ‘Cena Returns’! I don’t care what you think Im looking forward to seeing him back again I miss Cena! Sue me!

Randy Orton’s sucky new music starts and he comes out to make sure NO ONE votes for him in the special guest ref stip for the Cyber Sunday match between Jericho and Batista. He doesn’t want to have ANY chance of re-injuring his shoulder so close to his in-ring return. *subliminal message: Vote Austin!* Jees!
Come on just get it over with and VOTE AUSTIN! It’s not like he’ll stun anyone or drink beer or anything….

Batista vs Shawn Michaels is up next, and can I just state for the record that I can not abide Batista. I have tried to like even a tiny part of something about him and I can’t. I just wish he’d retire and leave and do his own vaccuming!
So the man I dispise with a passion is across the ring from the man I considder to be one of my ultimate favourites EVER, Shawn Michaels; excuse me while I yell at the tv!
Jericho appears on the Titan Tron to inform the participants that this will now be a Lumberjack match. Out come the Lumberjacks in the form of every heel in the locker room. Henry, Priceless, Snitsky (WOO SNITSKY LIVES!) Chavo, Mike Knox (Who I almost mistook for a Highlander!!!) Orton, William Regal and Bam Neely are a few of the guys around the ring as Jericho watches from a safe distance.. the locker room! Sensible man!! Shawn might be one of my faves but there are at least two things he can’t do. 1) Walk on water and 2) Make Batista look good… he tried! Ending when the lumberjacks could control themselves no longer and got into the ring causing a DQ while Michaels and Batista ‘fight for their lives’… or something. Jericho still aint happy! Batista and HBK clear the ring and eventually they shake hands.. and Jericho looks completely depressed!

Glamerella in the ring and I laugh as soon as that guy opens his mouth!  The Honk-a-meter shows us that Honky was IC Champion for 64 weeks and Santino has been IC champion for 9 weeks! Santino tells us we can vote for him to face the HonkyTonkyman! Or Golden Dust or his good friend Rodney The Piper! He points out Johnny ‘Knock Ville’ and asks him to come to the ring! Johnny then inadvertantly calls Beth Phoenix and dude and gets a slap for his troubles and then she throws, or rather drops, him on the mat and gives him a kicking.  Knoxville made a comment earlier about wanting to see the midgets so out comes Hornswoggle with a tad pole splash on Johnny. When they leave out comes Big Dick Johnson and challenges Pointius to unleash Party boy! I laughed my as$ off.. it’s been so long and I used to be a huge fan of Jackass when it first came out! A returning Boogeyman interrupts their dance routine and knocks Pointius on his ass and feeds him worms. Afterwards Knoxville claims it ‘wasnt that bad’ and Khali’s music hit. Johnny looks slightly concerned as Khali makes his way to the ring. They have a bit of a laugh and then Khali gets the vice grip on Knoxville’s head! I enjoyed the Jackass involvement simply because, as I said already, I used to be a huge fan. I havent watched it for a long time but I did enjoy seeing two of my faves from the show and damn how old odes Knoxville look? The dude needs to get a saner job!

John Morrison does a really bad rap but Miz doesn’t do half bad! Jillian’s singing is awesome, anyone who can go out infront of thousands of people and make a complete fool of themselves like that is alright in my book! They are about to face Cryme Tyme and Kelly Kelly. A Decent match that was better when the guys were in the ring than when the girls were! Cryme Tyme steal a win when JTG batters Morrison over the back of the head with a Mighty Ducks mask enabling Shad to get the pin.

Chris Jericho vs his opponent as chosen by Batista… CMPUNK!!! Awesome! Punk has a match and he’s not tagging anyone that’s a plus! The last time I saw these guys wrestle I thought it was fantastic and I would love to see a lasting feud between the two but it seems either they have forgottn Punk exsists after he lost the belt or they are saving him for Orton’s return.. Im shootin for the Randy option! Batista appears on the Tron informing them that they now have a special guest referee… he then revelas he’s wearing a refs shirt. Joy! A shirt that looks like it’s been spray painted on… like Batista needs his movements to be any more constricted!! Poor Jericho looks positivly suicidal!!
Of course Batista is as biased as they come letting Punk get away with ANYTHING, which actually deosn’t so anything for Punk’s credibility but that’s another rant for another day! Suffice to say this match would have been so much better if Batista had gone out to pick up chicks after his match, but I understand the resoning behind it and of course Batista HAS to favour Punk. Jericho plays his heel to the full, yelling at the fans to shut their mouths, yelling at Batista, yelling at Punk, he plays the heel so well infact, that Ive forgotten how good he is at being a baby face!!
Jericho punches his way out of the GTS and gets the Code Breaker on Punk, Batista gets to the count of two and then pretends something is in his eye. Jericho Yells at him and gets Batista Bombed ready and waiting for Punk to get the pin. And Batista’s dumb-as$ed too small shirt has ripped right up the back, what a spanner!!!
I guess Raw was an ok sort of a show this week, mainly because I hadn’t seen the spoilers online before watching it, maybe because it actually WAS an ok show but I doubt that.
Until next week… remember everyone in America to spend your hard earned dollars on top ups for your mobile phones and VOTE AUSTIN! The rest of us in ‘nowhere’ land can spend it on something more useful because we are insignificant after thoughts… how gutted are we huh?!
All positive feedback to paps@wrestle-zone.co.uk
All negatvie feedback to ‘papscaresasmuchasvince@gotohell.com’
thank you!


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