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The Royal Rumble Rant 2009 – By Paps

January 26, 2009   ·   0 Comments

The WWE 2009 Royal Rumble Rant!
by Paps

I’ve stayed away from ranting for a little while, it’s complicated, but let’s just say the enjoyment of the product was marred by other’s opinions and constant ‘bashing’ of something I was a fan of. So I stayed away until I could again find something positive to write about.. and here we are. I haven’t enjoyed wrestling like this in a long long time, but these past few weeks of Raw and Smackdown (And TNA might I add) have renewed my faith in writers.. kinda. I love the JBL/HBK storyline where everyone else thinks it’s crap. I think its great the fact that these guys have to ACT and it’s a storyline Shawn has never done before. I love that they are so obviously enjoying it or it wouldn’t have worked aout as good. And I love that we never really know what Shawn is going to do next! And over on the blue team, Jeff Hardy! Wow. The things that have been happening to that guy lately have been astounding right? Who can it be? Everyone said Christian. A few said Matt and some thought it was Edge. I was torn between the three of them and loving it! I wanted to see Christian back, I wanted Matt to turn on his brother and I wanted it to be Edge because.. He’s EDGE for crying out loud that’s what he does! Would we be any closer to knowing the outcome of thei ‘who-dunnit’ by the end of the Rumble?

I couldn’t wait to see it! Every year I love the Rumble match, it’s one of my favourite PPV’s on the calendar, but this year I couldn’t wait to see the matches that were prior to the Rumble and that normally doesnt happen very often. Matt Hardy needed to get his ECW title back from that young upstart Swagger! Jeff Hardy needed to defeat Edge and retain to make his first title run COUNT for something and who knew what the hell Shawn was going to do in the JBL/Cena match? It was almost too much for my old heart to withstand!!!!

First up was the ECW title match, Matt Hardy vs Jack Swagger. I have to admit to not seeing an awful lot of Swagger before this match, but I did kinda like what I saw. He seems very good for a ‘new’ guy and he worked well with Hardy throughout the match. My son did say ‘who the hell is THAT?’ when he came out to the ring which just shows how much exposure ECW is getting in this house! Everyone popped the roof off for Matt as always, and he deserves it too. I can’t praise him enough. He’s one guy that seems to show up on every show and you never get a half-assed match from him it’s always all or nothing! I doubt that he ever ventures to Wrestle-Zone UK but Matt, if you’re reading this, keep doing what you’re doing man!!

Swagger seemed to try and slow the match down slightly but it didn’t affect the excitement of it or the tension in the arena Im sure. The crowd were hot throughout the whole match with lot’s of ‘HARDY’ chants breaking out! Swagger tossed Hardy to the floor then worked Matt’s supposedly ‘injured’ left arm for a while, there were lots of near-falls from both guys and Swagger eventually smacked Matt into the turnbuckle, knocking him out according to Matt Striker! Swagger then lifted Matt Hardy’s ‘limp’ and ‘lifeless’ body up for a powerbomb and got the three count. I knew as soon as we saw Matt’s face after the match that something was going on…hmmm…

Backstage Randy Orton is arriving and getting the silent treatment from all he


Melina vs Beth Phoenix w/Santino for the WWE Women’s championship was NOT a bad match! Even my son noted how they are ‘fighting’ a lot more these days rather than screeching and pulling hair, (since the evolution of the TNA Knockouts division perhaps?) Beth and Melina have always been able to do this stuff and it was great to see them finally able to put it into a match! At one point in the match Beth had Melina’s foot up and over her back in a submission move and started hitting her in the head with Melina’s OWN foot! Definatly a case of credit where credit is due, these two knock spots off the likes of Maria and the God awful Candice Michelle. I only wish there were more like these two and less like the Bella Twins! With a quick reversal, Melina gets the roll-up for the pin and we have a new WWE Women’s Champion! Great stuff! (I did say I’d had a refreshing break from this didn’t I?! Lol)

HBK and JBL are in the locker room and JBL says if Shawn does as he asks him to do he will pay him all the money he owes him TONIGHT and he’ll never have to work for him again! He also says that if he wins the World Heavyweight Championship then Shawn can go into the Rumble match and hopefully go on to face him at WrestleMania! So now I’m torn! I’m a huge fan of Cena but I don’t want him to have that belt, it’s doing him no favours at all. BUT having said that who in their right mind would actually WANT JBL as champ? But if he does win then Shawn’s in the Rumble.. more Shawn is never a bad thing! Shawn turns around in the locker room and comes face to chest with Undertaker who offers him a pearl of wisdom; ‘Sometimes it’s hell getting to heaven!’ Alllllrighty then!

Cena gets boo’ed out of the arena as is the norm these days and before I go off on my Cena rant I’ll just say this.. it’s getting old now isn’t it? Is it STILL cool to hate Cena? I’m even bored with my own ‘smarks’ rant! Enough said!
I admit to being slightly distracted by Shawn at ringside to concentrate on the match in hand. I was waiting to see when he’d jump in there and make a difference and lets face it, JBL can’t hold my attention for more than 30 seconds at a time anyway! We thought the time was coming when Cena got the STF (U! ha!) on Layfield right infront of Shawn. HBK put his hands on the ropes as if he was going to help his ’employer’ but then Cena broke the hold so it did cause enough of a distraction to be beneficial to Bradshaw! Cena was thrown to the outside of the ring, right beside Shawn and still Shawn didn’t DO anything but stare at him! The suspense was killing me by the time JBL kicked the ref in the head by mistake and knocked him out! This lead to Shawn getting into the ring and.. who’s head was he going to kick off? I was on the edge of my seat! FINALLY he kicks Bradshaw in the head and the crowd were going crazy and chating HBK! HBK! Until he then turned around and did the same to Cena! Come on couldn’t you see it coming? In a discussion on this subject with a good friend we both wish Shawn would embrace his heel-ism and just go around kicking heads like a lunatic! Shawn was going to leave them lying there but figured he needed the money so went back and dragged JBL Onto Cena. Another ref came out and I was thinking it was over.. half of me rejoicing that Shawn could now be in the Rumble and the other half kinda sad that Cena was losing.. and then it happened.. SUPER CENA KICKED OUT!!!! (I’m allowed my sarcasm I’m a fan!) and I got a telling off from my teenage son for ‘being a tool!’ Go figure!

All I have in my notes from then on is ‘Cena gets FU and wins’ so what happened between him kicking out and getting the FU can’t have been anything worth writing about! I was distracted by JBL’s GIGANTIC ass wobbling every time the ref banged his hand on the mat.. it was so horrible you had to watch! (Kinda like Jim Duggan’s trunks!) I do remember that when he kicked out the place was wracked with CENA! CENA! CENA! I guess he’s good enough when they think Bradshaw’s in for a championship run suddenly Cena deosn’t seem all that bad does he? Be careful what you wish for my pretty little smarkettes!! I’m guessing this means Shawn isn’t in the Rumble then…

The Jeff Hardy/ Edge montage shown before their match was damn good. One day they will give me a job working in their video department.. you’ll see!

I’d been looking forward to this match all day, although initially torn I soon discovered my loyalties lay with the guy that helped get me into this crap in the first place, but as a fan of both I figured I really couldnt lose could I? Jeff was out first and gave the pyros a dubious look as he stood at the top of the ramp bless him! (My friend Beth noted that we didn’t even get a band-aid on Samckdown last friday! Come on there would have been a time not so long ago when being attacked by pyros warrented a wheel-chair interview at the very least!) but as soon as we saw Jeff first I knew something was amiss… what it turned out to be was a certain Mrs Edge coming out to inform us this was now a no DQ match… Nice hair Vicky! Cue Edge ‘You Think You Know Me’.. do we indeed? Accompanied by Chavo Edge struts to the ring to claim another ‘opportunistic’ WWE title, and we all sat here wondering when and from where the interference would come. I said it last week and I said it again this morning before I put the DVD on. I then said it again after Matt lost his match to Swagger.. something’s going on and Matt is going to screw Jeff.. but would anyone in this house listen to me OOH NO! The match was a fantastic one, like I knew it would be between those two and I wanted a LONG and match-filled feud between Jeff and Edge so whether that is still going to happen or not we will have to wait and see. It even involved a ladder… the sheer sentimental value alone was overwhelming! haha As soon as Matt grabbed a chair I put a cushion on my head. I wanted this to happen until he actually got into the ring and it was at that moment that I changed my mind and yelled at the TV! I thought it would be a great idea.. then when he had the chair in his hand I wanted it to stop before it started and hoped that Christian would just come out and beat them all to hell! lol Matt Hardy clocked his little brother with a chair to the head. Matt Hardy clocked Jeff Hardy with a chair! Wow. You could almost hear a pin drop in the arena it was a differnet story in this house though! It’s a wonder the neighbours didn’t call the cops! I was at first gob smacked even though I knew it was coming it was still kind of shocking.. and then I jumped to my feet and said WOOOHOOOO EDGE GOT THE BELT BACK! (There’s always a positive you just have to look for it!) It kinda rules.. and it kinda sucks all at the same time! So, Edge is the new champ after Jeff is screwed out of his first title by his own brother! Where do they go from here? My much anticipated Jeff Hardy/Edge feud SCREWED! My even more anticipated E&C vs The Hardy Boys feud SCREWED… and yet I find it strangly exciting! For Matt if no one else! Matt now has the chance to try and turn us all against him and make us hate him! Can he top the Jericho’s and the Edge’s of the heel world? I don’t think so but I’m sure as all hell he can at least walk by their side given time and practise. I know Matt has dabbled into the hate-a-ble egotistical and dare I say, slightly dorky character that Shannon the little MF’er followed around (The one that Jeff smacked in the face backstage once? Remember that? Classic!) but he’s never had the chance to really be a bastard and this is something I am looking forward to seeing him do. I think he can do it. I have faith in the sensei! Go Matt! Im also interested to see why he’d help Edge… maybe it’s the all boys together syndrome and lets face it boys she was never worth it anyway…

So, we get to the Royal Ruymble match and who gives a crap anyway?!

I can’t do you play by play but I can say that for the past million years Ive picked Randy Orton to win the Rumble. As my son always has to have the little ‘game’ of pick the winner I once again said Randy (And I also said it was the last year I was betting on his ass to win this one aswell!) And he did it.. FINALLY! We also like to play along with the 30 participants and guess who’s coming out next. Its a good game you should try it. As soon as the countdown hits from ten everyone shouts out who they think it’s going to be! I said Santino Marella about 10 times and got it all wrong. the only one I guessed right was Triple H and that one was a given! I did enjoy the Rumble match, I always do, but by the time we got down to the last few I was knackered from marking like an damned fool for the rest of the Pay-per-view I was kinda wishing it was all over!

Order of Entry –


Rey Mysterio

John Morrison





Triple H

Randy Orton

JTG (Flipped a coin with Shad!)

Ted DiBiase (Hello!)


Mike Knox

The Miz






Mark Henry

Shelton Benjamin

William Regal

Kofi Kingston



RVD (What?)

The Brian Kendrick

Dolph Ziggler

Santino Marella

Hacksaw Jim Duggen (boardering on the ridiculous by this point)

Big Show

I could tell you order of eliminations but I can tell you’re already bored so I won’t. The surprise return of RVD really was a surprise. Is Mr Butt-Sweat back for a while or just a Rumble pay day? Weird. I don’t like him. I don’t hate him, he was just always the guy that gave my friend his sweaty wrist tape and was nice enough to come back to shake my kids hand (the kid who is now 14 and says “Rob Van Damn? He’s a tool!”) I guess he’s alright, just nothing exciting and I’m sure he won’t have had a personality transplant while he’s been gone. (I still did the thumbs though… it was a novelty.. kinda like the gobbledy gooker only interactive!)

And the Goldust/Cody confrontation was good. I wanted old Goldy to smack him out and eliminate him, unfortunatly it was the other way around of course, why would it be any other? I don’t like Cody Rhodes, and this isn’t like when I said I didnt like Randy this is REAL! *cough*

Hacksaw Jim Duggan as number 29… what in the name of God had the person who thought THAT was a good idea been slipping into their coffee that morning? I mean Hacksaw Jim Duggen as number 29 in one of THE most important pay per views of the year. WHY Does that even enter anyone’s head never mind actually go from being in the head to on paper to actually OUT THERE WAVING A PLANK OF WOOD AND YELLING LIKE SASQUATCH!? It astounded me!

I’d love to know now where you all think Christian is going to fit into this little scenario?

The mere fact that I LOVED this pay per view doesnt bode well for it because that usually means everyone else thought it sucked! But I loved (almost) every part of it, from the opening Hardy/Swagger match right up to Jericho’s facial expression when Undertaker was behind him! (this guy and Regal went to the same school I’m sure of it! lol) I’m glad Randy got a Rumble win under his belt I think that it’s about damn time and Jericho can win it next year! I wish Shawn had been on it more but other than that and the wood-weilding Sasquatch I can’t really complain about it. I do have this new and improved way to look at wrestling these days though, I think I got way too serious about it and it lost so much of it’s enjoyment that it ruined it for me. I still like a good debate don’t get me wrong, I just don’t like a good argument any more and I think that’s the difference. It’s really upped the entertainment value in these shows and I’ve got that great feeling of being able to really really look forward to wrestling on TV again whether it be Raw, Smackdown, ECW or TNA it’s all good and Im loving it.. and truth be told I kinda missed being able to walk away from a show and say DAMN!

And by the way TOOL is definatly the word of the day!









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