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Tiger Tales – August 23, 2009

August 23, 2009   ·   0 Comments


Tiger Tales by Hobbes

August 23, 2009

Doug Maynard

 

And here we go, back again with another edition of part of the “Triple Threat Of Wrestling Columns”, the always eclectic “Tiger Tales by Hobbes”. I’m Doug, also known as “Hobbes”. And I’m your host with the most, just in time for the biggest party of the summer, Summerslam 2009. Yep, another big time WWE Pay-Per-View this weekend. And it’s one of the big 4. That means predictions. We’ll get to that in just a little bit.

 

But first, I want to say a few words about the most exciting and interesting story-line in professional wrestling today. And the shame is that it’s not something that one of the great creative minds that are Vince McMahon, Vince Russo, Stephanie McMahon, Michael Hayes or even the “Son of A Plumber” Dusty Rhodes have come up with. It’s the latest Kurt Angle drama. Should I go ahead and get it out of my system or hold off and wait a while? I’m going to let it all out.So here goes.

 

By the way, the views and opinions expressed in the rest of the column are mine and mine alone and not necessarily the views and opinions of anyone else. But I’m right. I know I am. And my other personalities agree, don’t you? Guys? Guys? Oh crud – they seem to have been silenced. I guess shock therapy really does work. And so does watching tapes of P.N. News on the YouTube. Better than 20,000 volts anytime.

 

What was I saying? Oh yeah…

 

God Is Great, Beer Is Good, And People Are Crazy…

 

For those of you living under a rock lately, TNA World Champion Kurt Angle was arrested last weekend for allegedly stalking his current girlfriend, the TNA man-beast known as Rhaka Khan. Her given name is Trenesha Biggers, but for simplicity’s sake, we’ll just call her “that crazy beast-woman”. Kurt and the crazy one were living together. And mind you, while he’s going home every night and nailing Mantuar’s little sister, Kurt was pissing and moaning about Karen Angle (his ex-wife) banging Jeff Jarrett. Go figure. I guess it’s “do as I say, but not as I do, Karen”.

 

So Kurt tells Rhaka Shango to get out of his house and he wants to break up with her because she’s nuts. She takes a restraining order out on him and goes to the local Starbucks for some coffee and donuts. Kurt (who’s drivers license is suspended, by the way – which means in legal terms, “don’t drive, you stupid foo”), is spotted by Rhaka as she’s enjoying her breakfast. She calls the law and Kurt is arrested for many, many things, including possession of HGH, violating the order of protection, driving with a suspended license (told you it was not a good thing to be doing) and for being a pinhead.

Long story short (too late), Kurt is giving interview after interview and is telling everyone that Rhaka set him up. That he’s absolutely guilt-free and innocent of any wrong doing. He’s saying that Rhaka is the reason for everything wrong under the sun. Kurt says that Rhaka is…*gasp*… “crazy”.

 

Here’s a message for Kurt. As the great Chris Jericho, the first ever undisputed World Champion used to say, “will you please… SHUT THE HELL UP!”.

 

You’re not helping your situation by broadcasting the details and every little bit of gossip and innuendo about Killer Khan all over the place. You’re the one who’s coming across as paranoid and screwed up in the head. I’m reading all of these interviews and while Shasta Whatley comes across like a crazy battle-axe, Kurt sounds like he’s pretty out there too and is just trying to rationalize everything. You’re not helping your case by publicly slandering your ex-girlfriend. You’re taking your case to the public and the court of public opinion. But she’s just sitting there, with a small smile on her face, keeping her mouth shut. And which one do you think the judge is going to believe when it comes to trial? The ranting and raving madman or the petite, young woman with the face of a goat?

 

Your lawyer has probably already told you many, many times and I’m sure that TNA Owner Dixie Carter has also told you once or twice to be quiet and let the matter die down and play out in the legal system. That’s where it matters and counts. It doesn’t make a bit of difference if the wrestling fans or the other wrestlers think Rhaka is a nutcase. All that matters is that the judge thinks so when this all comes to trial. Rhaka hasn’t been charged with anything. Kurt Angle has. And all of this ranting and raving about how She-Hulk set him up isn’t helping Kurt’s case one little bit.

 

So Kurt, please be quiet and shut up. Let your attorneys do their job. Your butt is the one sitting on the stove and all you’re doing is turning up the heat more and more every time you open your mouth. Just think about it, Kurt.

 

As for the whole idea of School House Rhaka being crazy and manipulative, well “Duh!”. She’s a woman. What the hell do you expect? Is anyone surprised that a woman, even one as beastly and masculine as Rhaka Waka Waka Waka, can be an evil wench? All women have the capacity to be Satan given human form. Just piss ’em off and you know. Even the sweetest and most angelic of females will rip you a new one if you make her mad. That’s just the way they are. It’s part of their nature. If you don’t believe me, go find your girlfriend or wife or sister. Just tell ’em that they have a “fat ass”. And see how quickly it is before you have a broom jammed up yours. All women are evil.

 

And they hold grudges and never, ever forget. And Rhaka is crazy and manipulative and as evil as they come. At least that’s how she comes across to me. So Kurt pissed her off. He tried to break things off with her. She’s getting some payback. And his life is wrecked and trashed to bits. And he’s surprised? Why? He ought to just be glad she didn’t do a “Bobbitt” on him while he was sleeping one night and give “Little Kurt” a total lobotomy. Women do things like that. And then laugh at the pain of men. We know it and expect it eventually. If Kurt didn’t see all of this coming a long time ago, he’s has no right to call anyone else crazy. Just saying.

 

OK, I’ll get off my soap-box. I need to go double-check my locks on the doors and make sure my life insurance is paid up. I’m sure that I’ll get some hate mail for those few words I uttered in the previous paragraph. But it’s true. It never pays to get a woman mad because they will hurt you. A lot. A whole lot. It’s just the nature of the beast. And crazy old Kurt found himself a true beastie in Rhaka. Let the fur and blood begin to fly.

 

Enough of all that. Let’s move on.

 

And Our Musical Guest Is…

 

As most people are aware, the WWE’s own Lilian Garcia will soon be leaving the WWE and her familiar spot as the announcer and songstress of WWE Monday Night Raw. This leaves a big void in the WWE as Lilian has long been one of the most familiar faces for the WWE each and every Monday. She sings the National Anthem for the live crowds before each broadcast and then works as the ring announcer for the rest of the program.

 

She has such an awesome smile. I’m going to miss her.

 

WWE has been advertising for young, female singers to come in and take over after Lilian leaves. But why? I have an idea. With all of the great success of the WWE’s “Guest Host” program for RAW, why not take it a step farther and have “Guest Announcers” as well.

 

Get two big “Hollywood names” instead of one for each RAW. Let’s say that Al Sharpton is the “Guest Host” of RAW for the night. He can go ahead and do the duties of his role and be the “boss”. But WWE can also bring in someone like, for example, Marie Osmond, as the “Guest Announcer”. She can do the National Anthem before the show to fire the crowd up and act as the ring announcer for the duration of the program.

 

It’s just more “entertainment” for the WWE fans to enjoy. Personally, I’d much rather just see Tony Chimmel or even old “Mean Gene” brought out of retirement to work as the announcer. Howard Finkel is still there, isn’t he?

 

But this would be another way for the WWE to increase their mainstream appeal and reach out to a larger audience. The “Guest Host” could plug his TV show or movie or whatever it is that he’s there to plug and the “Guest Announcer” could plug her TV appearances or new CD or whatever as well. And so long as they toss a few matches in the middle of all of this plugging and cross-promotional stuff, everyone gets to go home happy.

 

So how’s that for an idea?

 

Did You Know…

 

That even though he became eligible for induction in 1994, Alice Cooper, who was at ringside with Jake Roberts way back at Wrestlemania III, has yet to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. That is just wrong. And for that matter, bands like Kiss, Judas Priest, The Beastie Boys, The Village People, The Commodores, Bad Company, Peter Frampton and Joe Cocker haven’t been inducted yet either. But at least they got Madonna, Grandmaster Flash and U2 in there.

 

Bah! A Rock & Roll Hall of Fame without Alice Cooper is just like a wrestling Hall of Fame without Bruno Sammartino. Just pure blasphemy.

 

And I’ve ranted enough. Let’s get to the meat of the column. Yes, that means it’s time to break out the crystal ball and call up Gary Spivey. Maybe Mr. Wonderful can spare him for a few minutes. It’s time for…

 

WWE SummerSlam 2009 Predictions…

 

World Championship Match – Tables, Ladders & Chairs

Jeff Hardy (c) versus CM Punk

 

The rumors persist that Jeff Hardy will be leaving the company after this week. So that would mean a title change, right? Not really. Remember the whole Orton – Batista swerve a few months ago. Jeff is scheduled to work TV this week. So I’m going to say that for tonight, both men beat the holy hell out of each other. It comes down to the last moment and Punk is ready to put Jeff away and regain that big gold belt.

 

Here comes Matt Hardy. Here comes John Morrison. Hell, here comes Shaquille O’Neil. Who knows? But there will be some distractions and shenanigans going on. Jeff takes advantage and pulls out the win to retain the title and thus, ends this part of his WWE PPV career with a big win. (Only to lose the belt to Punk on the Smackdown taping on Tuesday when Punk demands and is granted a rematch.)

 

Winner and STILL World Champion: Jeff Hardy

 

WWE Championship Match

Randy Orton (c) versus John Cena

 

We’ve seen this match a million times and I still don’t care. Orton bores me as the champ. Cena is just over-exposed and annoys the crap out of me. And we all know that whoever wins the title will lose it to HHH at the “Hell In A Cell” in a few months anyways. So let’s flip the coin. Tails – that means Cena wins. And once more, he gets the chance to say, “The Champ is here!”.

 

Winner and NEW WWE Champion: John Cena

 

ECW Championship Match

Christian (c) versus William Regal

 

I really like the whole “gang” that Regal has assembled and it looks to me as if it’s finally Regal’s chance to shine and be a “World Champion”, even if it is just the ECW title. Regal and Christian are two of the best and this might be the dark horse match of the night, if given enough time. Christian just won the title a few weeks ago though and I don’t really think that they should take it off of him this soon. So I’ll say that Christian manages to retain this time and then, in a few weeks, the numbers game from Regal’s army takes it toll. So this month, the champ retains. And next month, in the rematch, we’ll see a new person holding the belt. So there you go.

 

Winner and STILL Champion: Christian

 

Unified Tag Team Championship Match

Chris Jericho and The Big Show (c) versus Cryme Tyme

 

Cryme Tyme have gotten better. That’s for sure. But so far, I’ve got all faces winning the matches. This time, it’s one for the bad guys as Jericho and Show are just starting to get warmed up in their long and fruitful tag team title adventure. Jericho and Show are a good team with far more storyline potential as champs. So they’ll keep the belts and move on to the next set of challengers after this. And Cryme Tyme will go back to doing their “Word Up” stuff with Jesse, as they should.

 

Winners and STILL Unified Champions: Chris Jericho and The Big Show

 

Intercontinental Championship Match

Rey Mysterio (c) versus Dolph Ziggler

 

Didn’t we see this last month? Rey won then, so now Ziggler gets the win and the title. If he doesn’t win, he may as well be “future endeavored” because any heat he may have built up is through. Look for Maria to be distracting and for Ziggler to take advantage and walk out as the new IC Champ.

 

Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Dolph Ziggler

 

Triple H & Shawn Michaels (Degeneration X) versus Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase (The Legacy)

 

Shawn didn’t come back to lose. ‘Nuff said!

 

Winners: Degeneration X (Triple H & Shawn Michaels)

 

The Great Khali versus Kane

 

Another rematch. We saw this at Wrestlemania and no one cared then either. Khali won at the big show, so I guess Kane gets the win at the “other big show”. Makes sense to me.

 

Winner: Kane

 

MVP versus Jack Swagger

 

This match should be good. Swagger is just an amazing performer who seems to be working well beyond what anyone would expect. MVP seems to have fallen a bit since coming to RAW, but he’s still very capable in the ring and can put on a heck of a match. After this is settled, it looks as if MVP is scheduled to work a program with Chris Masters, so I’ll say that Masters will be out there and get involved. And ends up costing MVP the match. Yeah, that sounds about right. So look for the “All American American” to steal a win and move up the ladder. And as for MVP, the free-fall continues.

 

Winner: Jack Swagger

 

And I guess that will do it for me today. A big shout out to my friend Tian, who celebrated a birthday last Monday. My niece, Morgan, turned 26 last week as well. Happy Birthday to long-time reader Paul Scott, who celebrated his big day yesterday (Saturday). And Happy Birthday to my bro, Jim Manship, who celebrates his big day tomorrow. Wait a second – I almost forgot…

 

Who Am I?

 

The last “Who Am I” was way back on July 26th (I’ve been slack) and asked about a former WWE performer who had a unique hairstyle. The answer was none other than JBL’s former associate, Luther Reigns. Correctly answering this “Who Am I?” were: Suzie Q., Katie, Paul Scott, Sakee Wildman, Larry Ransom, Kelly, Harold Schwan and Willy “Mike” Michaels. My thanks to everyone and congratulations on a job well done. Here’s the newbie…

 

I share the same name as a famous movie character. I’ve some some success, especially in Japan and Germany, but compared to the careers of my two brothers, one of whom was a real animal of a warrior and the other, a flag-carrying dude turned corporate big shot, I’m definitely considered the low man on the food chain. I made my debut in 1987 and was trained by my two brothers and the late Gene Anderson, which is ironic in that later in my career, I was part of a team, along with a man who shares the name of a famous R&B singer called “The Wrecking Crew”, an homage to Anderson’s earlier teams with his “brothers” Lars and Ole. I still don the tights every so often, but for the most part, although I never officially retired, my career as an active wrestler is past tense. Who Am I?

 

The clues are there, but this one isn’t quite as easy. Care to give it a guess? Of course you do. Send your answers and guesses to my mailbox at mw28352@yahoo.com and let me know who you think this character is or else “I’ll be back!”.

 

Nothing else, I guess.

 

Questions and comments can be sent to me at mw28352@yahoo.com. Come visit me over at the MySpace at www.myspace.com/salt_palace. And if you have a Facebook, come see me at www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me at both sites. You know you want to.

 

And I’m Doug and that’s it for me. Until the next time, ‘dat is all de people need to know. See ya!

 

Ubuntu!

 

 

 

 

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