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Tossing Salt Is Raw – January 17, 2011

January 18, 2011   ·   0 Comments

Tossing Salt Is RAW
January 17, 2011
Doug Maynard
 

Excuse me? I said excuse me! OK, my Vickie impression needs some work. Maybe I should put on some heels? Nah, I don’t have the legs for it. Let’s get this party started and let the bodies hit the floor. Whoo-hoo!
 
WWE Monday Night RAW is live tonight from Little Rock, Arkansas, on the USA Network. And as has become my ritual for the last two weeks and counting, I’m Doug and this is the most eclectic recap of RAW you will ever read… because tonight, Tossing Salt is RAW! The main event scheduled is the new leader of Nexus and all around nice guy (if you like straight-edge ass-clowns), CM Punk taking on the leader of the Cenaholics, the pre-teen children that believe in loyalty, hustle and respect (this week anyhow), John Cena.
 
Anything I need to comment on before we get started? Hmmmmm! Did just see on some of the websites that the Royal Rumble has been expanded this year from thirty participants to forty participants. I guess they need some filler room for the guest stars like Tatanka (I’ve predicted it and it’s going to happen), Booker T (ditto), and Shawn Davari. And no, I haven’t heard anything recently about Davari being in contact with the WWE or even any rumors, but it’s about time for him to make his return to WWE.
 
Oh yeah, and I expect that other guy, the one with the long blonde hair, the big nose and the sledge-hammer will be making a return too. Time to play the game!
 
But anyhow, I like the idea that they’re expanding the Rumble, so it will give all the WWE Superstars an extra PPV payday and a chance to shine, even if it’s only for a moment or two. I don’t know how long the time period will be between wrestlers (probably sixty seconds), and it has the potential to be a major Oingo Boingo mess, but then again, it could make things just that much better. I think it’s a good move though and they book it correctly, it could make this one of the best Rumble’s ever.
 
And now that I’ve done my commentary bit about the Rumble, let’s move on to what we’re all here to read about. WWE Monday Night RAW. The mouth-pieces are Michael “Disco Never Dies” Cole and Jerry “I Know Sha Na Na” Lawler. And I’m Doug, as we’ve already established. So as they say repeatedly on Family Guy, especially when someone has come up with a hair-brained scheme that doesn’t have a chance of success, “let’s do it!”
 
And now, of course, my satellite signal is acting up. Damn you, DirecTV. Damn you to Detroit!!!
 
So what does this mean? Instead of watching the show and typing up the recap as it goes along, which is much more efficent and faster, I have to grab a notebook and a pen and go to the other room, where the other TV is. And do it the old fashioned way… by taking notes. And then, when RAW is over, it’s back into this room and my computer to type up the recap based on those notes. No big deal, really. I did it this way for several years, but it just takes so damn long. If you have DirecTV, change it to Dish Network, cable or even a pair of rabbit ears. They suck!!!
 
(By the way, that’s just my opinion and not the opinion of Wrestle-Zone UK and it’s management. But I’m sure that if they were here in North Carolina with me and had DirecTV, they’d most likely agree that it sucks!)
 
So I guess I’m taking notes tonight. See you in about two hours when it becomes time to do the recap. Ubuntu!
 
(Two hours and twenty minutes later…)
 
OK, I’m back and NOW, it’s time to get this party started. I’ve got five pages of notes from what was a fairly entertaining edition of the WWE’s flagship program. And using those notes, it’s now officially time for…
 

Tossing Salt Is RAW…
 

We start off with a great video tribute to the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., because today is, of couse Martin Luther King Jr. Day here in the United States. For some reason, I don’t think, if he was still living, Dr. King would really appreciate this holiday in his name or many of the other things done in his name these days either. But that’s just my opinion based on my own research on the man. Good ideas and the best of intentions, but you know what that old saying about what the road to hell is paved with. Regardless of all of that, long live the dream. I’m dreaming of Juvi and Ivory… and some bacon. I love me some bacon.
 
John Cena comes out to start the show. The Champ is… well, he’s not the champ, but Cena is here anyhow. We take a video look at the Nexus attack on Cena from three weeks ago. Later tonight, Cena is taking on CM Punk, the leader of the new Nexus. Cena has some resolutions for 2011, which include take care of CM Punk, win the Royal Rumble and win the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania.
 
And here comes the Miz. And he has a question. “Really?”. Miz says that Cena is played out and won’t win the WWE Title at Wrestlemania. Miz is the must-see guy in the WWE and the odds are against Cena in the Rumble since this year will have 40 participants instead of the usual thirty. Miz suggests that whoever wins the Rumble doesn’t bother with him and his WWE Title or else, they will lose.
 
Cena mocks the Miz and retorts that if it hadn’t been for Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler would be the WWE Champion. And if it hadn’t been for Alex Riley, Randy Orton would be the WWE Champ. He compares Miz and Riley to the Kardashians and says that Michael Cole has the street credibility of the Jonas Brothers. I think, if I was a Jonas Brother, I’d be insulted. They’re far more credible and talented than Michael Cole.
 
Miz says that Cena is corny and brags about his own skills. Cena responds with the poopy jokes and any street credibility that Cena had just went down the toliet… literally. Cena talks about how he thinks facing Randy Orton at Wrestlemania would be great Wrestlemania quality match and that Miz won’t make it past the Rumble as WWE Champ. He tells Miz that if he doesn’t like it, do something.
 
And here comes CM Punk and the new Nexus to add to the mix. Punk says that Miz doesn’t have to prove himself to anyone and that Cena’s odds of winning the Rumble are zero, but his own odds are good since the Nexus will be there to help him win. Punk sends Nexus to the ring to attack Cena, but Santino and Kozlov are quickly out to help even the odds and help Cena clear the ring.
 
The Nexus regroups on the stage and this time, Punk is with them as they come to the ring, but we get a message from the Anonymous Raw GM to stop the action. He says that if any member of the Nexus interferes in the Punk – Cena match later in the night, they will be out of the Royal Rumble match.
 
Later tonight, we get Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero) taking on Randy Orton. Coming up next, it’s a match for the WWE Tag Team Championship.
 

WWE Tag Team Championship Match
Santino & Kozlov (w/ Tamina) – Champions versus Jimmy and Jey – The Uso Brothers.
 

Santino and Jey start off and Santino is doing some actual wrestling. Jey with the dropkick for two. A double-team by the sons of Rikishi and they get another two on Santino. Jimmy pounds away at Santino for another two before tagging his brother in. Jey with kicks and stomps and another cover for two.
 
Chinlock by Jey, but Santino with an armdrag to escape. Kozlov tagged in. Jimmy Uso in too. Kozlov with kicks, headbutts and a slam. Jey tossed to floor and Jimmy gets walloped by a big battering ram headbutt by Kozlov. Tag to Santino and it’s the Cobra. The Cobra strikes and Santino covers Jimmy for the pin.
 

Winners and STILL WWE Tag Team Champions: Santino and Kozlov
 

Tamina comes into the ring and celebrates with the champions. We go backstage and the Nexus is discussing what they need to do. Punk shows up and just says “Faith!” John Morrison is walking to the ring. He comes across Daniel Bryan. Here are the Bella Twins and they give Daniel a big kiss. Bryan and the Twins walk off. Morrison smiles. Daniel Bryan versus John Morrison is next.
 

WWE Rewind
 

Daniel Bryan (with the Bella Twins) vs. John Morrison
 

Bryan still has lipstick on his face as he climbs into the ring. Morrison just smiles. We start off with lots of good wrestling as Bryan hooks up the arm, but Morrison reverses and it looks so good the first time, they do it again. Bryan with a dropkick that sends Morrison to the floor. Bryan follows and then they both leap back into the ring. Stalemate and commerical time.
 
We come back from commerical and Morrison has Bryan locked into a headlock. Bryan with forearms. Morrison with a suplex, but misses his big kick finisher. Bryan with a kick to the face for two. Bryan goes after the arm, but both men try cross-body splashes and collide. Whammo! The fists are flying and Bryan uses some kicks to get the advantage. Bryan tries for the Labelle Lock, but Morrison manages to block it and flips Bryan to the corner. A big kick to the temple by Morrison, followed by a big knee and Morrison gets the pin.
 

Winner: John Morrison
 

Morrison helps Bryan up after the match and they show a little sportsmanship. And King Sheamus is out. He takes credit for making John Morrison step up to the next level, but claims that neither Morrison or Bryan are in his league. Sheamus predicts that he will win the Royal Rumble, after all it’s a match made for a king. He also says that he will eliminate both Morrison and Bryan from the Rumble match.
 
Later tonight, we’ll have John Cena taking on CM Punk. Also, Dolph Ziggler taking on Randy Orton. And after this recap, I’ll be watching the movie, “Zack and Miri Make A Porno”. It’s a fun and great movie. Watch it!
 

WWE Slam of the Week:
 
We see the Bella Twins walking in the back. They’re talking about John Morrison and Daniel Bryan. They make a bet as to which Bella will get Daniel Bryan first. My prediction is… Vince McMahon. After all, it sure as heck seems that he’s been with everyone else on the WWE roster at some point. Yeah, Vinnie Mac is a slut! As for which Bella will be first, I’ll say… the pretty one.
 
Here come Vickie Guerrero.
 
Excuse me! Excuse me! I love me some Vickie. Vickie introduces the man who will defeat Edge at the Royal Rumble to become the next World Champion, her boyfriend, the former Spirit Squadder himself, Dolph Ziggler.
 
It’s Smackdown versus RAW as the number one contender for the World Championship takes on the number one contender for the WWE Championship in what Michael Cole says is their first ever one on one meeting in the ring.
 

Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Randy Orton
 

The two men start off by trading punches before Randy does some clubbering and Dolph eats the bottom rope. Randy gets two. Randy moves in and applies the “Chinlock of Doom”, but Dolph uses a chinbreaker to escape and scores with a dropkick for two.
 
Dolph works on the leg and ankle of the “Viper” and slams the leg into the ring apron. Randy fights back with some punches and a backbreaker. Dolph misses the dive into the corner and Randy comes back with clotheslines and a big scoop power-slam. Randy attempts the DDT, but Dolph escapes by going back after the leg. Randy with some forearms and Dolph manages to lock in the “Shades of Johnny Weaver” sleeper hold. Randy fights and fights to escape and finally makes it to the ropes. Dolph is ready to show Randy some more of his “Shades of Adrian Adonis” Goodnight Irene move, but Randy grabs his head and it’s RKO time. Randy Orton gets the pin
 

Winner: Randy Orton
 

Here comes the Miz and Alex Riley for a post-match attack on the one-time “Legend Killer”. Orton eats the steps and Miz tells A-Ri to clear off the announcers table. Jerry Lawler tries to get involved and A-Ri & Miz send Lawler sprawling over the ringside barrier and into the crowd. The attack on Orton continues as Randy is rammed into the steel ringpost. Miz instructs Alex to hold Randy while Miz pretty much stomps a mudhole in him. They finally sling Randy into a ringside barricade and trash it as Randy hits hard. Miz stands over Randy and tells Randy that he’s the Miz… and he’s AWESOME!
 
Still to come is John Cena versus CM Punk, plus did you know that Shawn Michaels is headed to the WWE Hall of Fame this year.
 
We come back from commercial and get a replay of the incident with Miz and Riley beating the dog-snot out of Randy Orton, just in case you missed it three minutes ago.
Wait a second… what did I just say? Three minutes? That was Three Minute Warning. Remember them? Man, those were some good days in the WWE. I just had a flashback. I’m trying to remember – Three Minute Warning was who? Wasn’t it Umaga and the “Super Hero In Training” Rosey? I’m thinking it was, but I’m not sure. I’ll have to look it up.
 
Back to the show and we see CM Punk preaching to his loyal subjects about faith, humility, sacrifice and loyalty.
 

Maryse vs. WWE Diva’s Champion Natayla (Non-Title Match)
 

Eve and Melina are at ringside with Michael Cole. Eve is talking. Melina is not. Ring action as follows: Maryse with a slap. Natayla grabs the legs. A little back and forth and Natayla locks in the sharp-shooter. Maryse taps out.
 

Winner: Natayla
 

Natayla celebrates, while Maryse screams at Michael Cole, shoves Eve and just generally makes an ass-clown of herself. Ted DiBiase is out to try and calm his wild woman down, but she screams at him too and calls him a loser. DiBiase takes offense and says that he’s not a loser and says that he’ll win the Royal Rumble. DiBiase says that he can toss anyone on the Raw roster over the top rope and issues a challenge to the back.
 
I was thinking at this point that it would be the return of the Great Khali to Raw, but I guess that Vince is going to hold off on that particular surprise until the Rumble itself. Too bad. Why not hold off even longer, until maybe Wrestlemania… Wrestlemania 50, that is. Khali = Rap! And we all know that rap is crap! Curt Hennig, Bobby Duncum Jr., RIP
 
After a commerical break (and three words are embedded in my head that will haunt me forever… Bacon wrapped cupcakes), we come back and Ted DiBiase is in the ring and challenging the Raw locker room to a match – an “Over The Top Rope Challenge”. And who responds but… The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry.
 

Over The Top Rope Challenge…
Ted DiBiase vs. Mark Henry
 

Teddy throws kicks, punches and a dropkick at Henry. Henry throws Teddy to the floor.
 

Winner: Mark Henry
 

After the match, several wrestlers storm the ring, including Darren Young, William Regal, Tyson Kidd, D.H. Smith, Primo, Zack Ryder and Sheamus. It’s a mini Royal Rumble and it’s OINGO BOINGO time. Before long, everyone is eliminated, but Henry and Sheamus. Mark tosses Sheamus to the floor and celebrates his hard fought victory that really doesn’t mean a thing.
 
And here comes a car. It’s JBL!! Nope, it’s not Mr. Layfield, but the Mexican version in Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio has a mic and says that it’s his destiny to win the Royal Rumble, become the Champion at Wrestlemania and to be the greatest of the great.
 
WWE and the Make A Wish Foundation have a strong partnership and alliance. And that’s a great thing.
 
We see a parody commercial by some goof named Derick Bateman from NXT making fun of Mark Henry by talking about some cologne made from Mark’s sweat. Stupid, but kind of funny. Reminded me of a bad skit from Saturday Night Live.
 
Jerry Lawler is back with Michael Cole. Cole chastises the King for getting involved earlier with the Miz and Alex Riley. Lawler threatens to hit Cole, but Cole reminds him that he can’t or he’ll be fired. We see a great “By The Numbers” video package for the Royal Rumble. We also find out that next week on RAW, it’ll be the WWE Champion, The Miz facing the World Champion, Edge. We see John Cena in the back and he is… walking!
 
CM Punk and the new Nexus come out to the stage. We take a look at the “initiations” from last week as Punk goes to the ring.
 

CM Punk vs. John Cena
 

Punk smiles as Cena comes to the ring. They go nose to nose and it’s fist city as Cena just starts pounding away at Punk. It’s all Cena, but Punk manages to score with a kick and a baseball slide to send Cena to the floor. And guess what? It’s commercial time.
We come back and Punk has Cena in a head-scissors and is dropping elbows on Cena’s head. Cena powers up and lifts Punk into the air, but Punk responds with a DDT for two. Some kicks and it’s back to the head-scissors for Punk to get another two count. Cena powers up again and hits a slam. It’s “U Can’t See Me” time as Cena
 
scores with the Five Knuckle Shufle. Cena goes for the A.A. (formerly known as the F.U.), but Punk scores with a knee for two. Punk is on a roll now with a flying knee and a bulldog for another two count. Punk tries for the G.T.S., but Cena escapes and it’s S.T.F. time. Punk makes the ropes and both men are down.
 
Both men try for clotheslines and both connect. Both down again. Cena tries for the A.A. again, but Punk responds with a knee. Punk with some punches and knee and catches Cena with a DDT. Punk locks in some kind of submission hold on Cena that I don’t recognize. I’ll call it a “choke that mutha out” by Punk. Cena fights and struggles and finally makes it to the ropes to escape. Punk kicks Cena to the floor and then follows up with a dive. Cena catches Punk and rams him into the steel ringpost. Cena throws Punk into the ring and lands a legdrop from the top rope for a two count.
 
And some big ass dude comes out and gets on the ring apron. I just checked and that big guy is Mason Ryan, who is a WWE Developmental talent from FCW and the current Florida Championship Wrestling Champion.
 
OK, back to the recap. Ryan distracts Cena and Punk scores with a big kick. Ryan climbs into the ring and Punk smiles. Ryan gives Punk a big kick to the face and then Ryan gives Cena a big slam. Nexus hits the ring and gets between Punk and Ryan. Punk tells Nexus to leave Ryan alone. Punk smiles as he goes eye to eye with the new guy. Ryan gets down on his knees and gives a Nexus salute to Punk. Punk gives Ryan a Nexus armband and we get a group salute from CM Punk’s new Nexus.
 
And that’s it. A pretty decent episode of RAW if I do say so myself (and I just did). Punk and Cena had a good match. Ziggler’s match with Orton was far too short, but good for what it was. And there were a lot of hard pushes for the Royal Rumble, which is exactly what the WWE needs to be doing at this point and time. And we got not only Santino and the Cobra, but a little Vickie G. too. No complaints from me.
 
And on that note, I’m out of here. Morning comes far too early and this has taken far longer than I was planning to spend. And I still have a movie to watch. Send questions and comments to Doug28352@yahoo.com. Come find me on Facebook too. It’s Doug Maynard and just like Tigger, I’m the only one. Well, maybe not, but I’m the most fun.
 
“And dat is all de’ people need to know!”. I’m Doug and I’ll catch you later. Until the next time, Ubuntu!

From last week, it’s Randy Orton and Jerry Lawler defeating The Miz & Alex Riley as Jerry hits the big old “Memphis fist-drop” on Alex for the pin.: John Morrison pins Sheamus after a damn good match last week on RAW. And as a bonus, we are treated to a John Morrison highlight video and then it’s time for the match.

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