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Tossing Salt – Worldwide News: January 31, 2012

January 31, 2012   ·   0 Comments

Tossing Salt – Worldwide News
January 31, 2012
Doug Maynard

My name is Doug and I DID NOT win the WWE Royal Rumble last night in St. Louis, MO… but I know who did. I’ve got analysis of the Royal Rumble, a look at WWE Monday Night RAW and lots more stuff. This must be Pro Wrestling’s Most Eclectic Column, “Tossing Salt – Worldwide News!”. Yeppers, it sure is. Let’s jump right to it and do this.

Congratulations…

Brad Branson & Derk Douglas, also known as North Carolina’s hottest Indy wrestling tag team “BD Productions”. captured the Ring Wars Carolina World Tag Team Championship Titles this past Saturday night in Lumberton, NC. Two great guys with great skills working their way to the big time with a style, a flare, a magic all their own. Today it’s RWC and who knows what the future holds? Maybe the WWE or TNA? Could be because they are that damn good! Congratulations dudes!

A Tampa, Florida judge has ordered Kelly Kelly to attend defensive driving school due to multiple traffic citations for running red lights. The WWE Diva has outstanding tickets totaling $369.

So where do I start? With the blonde jokes or maybe a women driver’s joke? We all know that women can’t drive. Let’s see – she can’t drive, can’t dance (remember when she was an exhibitionist), can’t talk very well and can’t wrestle. Thank goodness she has boobs! What strikes me as funny here is that she got in trouble for running red lights? I thought ho’s like red lights? Okay, that was wrong. I apologize for calling Kelly Kelly a “ho”. After all, there is no record anywhere that I know of about her charging for her services.

I know! That’s so wrong and I’m really starting off in a bad way. My apologies, but I’m in one of “those moods” today and the nasty, stinking, bottom-feeding trashbag ho’ that I want to give a high five… to the face… with a steel chair isn’t available. She’s probably out working the parking lot behind Wendy’s. And since Sable is retired, I needed to find someone else to bash. And poor Kelly was the first person that I’m writing about today so she was elected. I actually have much respect and love for Kelly. She’s no Ivory (I miss her) but then again, no one is. But she’s better than… okay, I’m drawing a blank here. She has nice hair. Yeah, that’s it. Let’s move on before I get in more trouble.

Christian is reportedly ready to return to the ring but WWE officials decided to keep him off the Royal Rumble pay-per-view.

That really sucks because Christian missed a big pay day and let’s be honest, the Rumble was really lacking in big names this year. The presence of the multi-time World Champion, in both the WWE and TNA, was greatly missed. But so long as “Captain Charisma” is back before Wrestlmania and has a match at the biggest event of the year, I won’t whine and complain too much. How about “Money In The Bank” winner? Works for me.

One of the ideas WWE officials were discussing for the Royal Rumble would have seen John Cena enter, win the match and earn a title shot at WrestleMania 28. The storyline would have then saw Cena be forced to choose between a WWE Title match and the match against The Rock.

John Cena should not be anywhere near the WWE or World Championship titles. End of story! It wouldn’t make sense because with WWE logic as it is (plus a precedence set by Bret Hart when he wrestled twice at Wrestlemania X against both Owen Hart and Yokozuna), a person can wrestle twice on a PPV. It happens all the time these days (ask Dolph Ziggler who did it last night at the Rumble). I’m glad that the WWE idiots dropped that idea.

Mike Tyson has been confirmed for the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2012.

Cyndi Lauper should go first and I also think that this would be a great year for Regis Philbin to go in since he “retired” this year from show-business and has done as much (and far more) for professional wrestling than almost anyone. Andy Kaufman would be a great pick too and deserves to go into the HOF. But we get Mike Tyson?

Okay with me. He was a big part of the WWE’s turnaround from near bankruptcy to major success. And right now, he’s riding a wave of renewed popularity so the iron is hot. No complaints. He deserves to be a part of the WWE HOF (Celebrity Wing), but I would have reached out to a few others first. But that’s just me.

Former WWE Diva Trish Stratus apparently doesn’t agree with claims by Beth Phoenix that she’s the most dominant women’s champion. Trish wrote this on Twitter last night: “Btw, @TheBethPhoenix should choose her words wisely when it comes to being the most dominant champion…”

It sounds like Trish might be working her way towards a potential Wrestlemania pay day and a big Divas Championship match against “The Glamazon”. I can’t blame her for that, but if Trish wants to work a match at the biggest show of the year, she should be working other matches during the year as well first. Trish was bad-ass in her day, but her day has passed. She’s no Ivory!

So suck it up Trish and realize that Beth Phoenix is better than you. She’s the present and the future, while Trish is the past. If the WWE wants a kick-ass Diva match at Wrestlemania, judging from her return to the ring last night at the Rumble, Beth Phoenix versus Kharma is the way to go. Hear that Vince? Book it!

The Super Bowl – My Predictions.

It’s the Giants versus The Patriots. I’d much rather have San Francisco in there or even better, my Carolina Panthers, but alas, this was not the year. As for this year, look for the New England Patriots to win and take home the gold. ‘Nuff said!

That’s enough news stuff for now. By the way, all the news headlines are from LordsofPain.net. I used to be the WWE Monday Night RAW recapper there. Did you know that? It was a good experience and unfortunately, my job situation at the time cut that venture short. But thanks for the memories. Moving on.

Royal Rumble Thoughts…

It was weird to see the World Championship match go on first, especially being a cage match, but given what the rest of the card had to offer, it makes sense. Considering that both Big Show and Mark Henry are working injured, they did a fair job and the match was watchable. Bryan is really getting better and better as a “heel” champion and I’m glad to see that he walked out with a clean win and his title.

The Divas match was a made-for-TV suck-fest and was just here to take up time and give the Divas a paycheck. Beth looked dominant in her brief time and it’s good to see Natayla actually on the winning side of a match for now.

Zack Ryder in a wheelchair and wearing one of D’Lo Brown’s old chest protectors? He deserves so much more. Johnny Ace gives him a private room? Johnny Ace is a bitch!

Cena versus Kane just doesn’t really do it. A double-countout.

Marvelous! So this crap continues. What’s up with the “you can’t see me” and smirk by Cena as he comes off the corner? I thought he “embraced the hate!” Kane beats up Cena backstage after the match and goes to visit Zack Ryder in his special room. Kane beats up Zack and wheels him to the ring. Eve really sucks with the fake crocodile tears. Kane KILLS Ryder with the tombstone and goes after Eve. Will this crap ever end? Super Cena is back and chases Kane off. Ryder (and all of the momentum he’s gained over the past several months) is stretchered out as Cena and Eve put on their “sad faces”.

Brodus Clay squashes Drew McIntyre. Really? Really? Really? If PN News had to be there, shouldn’t the match have been against someone who he’s almost got a history with like William Regal instead? I’m starting to hate this gimmick!

Johnny Ace has one of Vince’s referee shirts on with the “no sleeve” option. He’s going to play “ringside enforcer” rather than actual referee. The match with Punk and Ziggler had potential, but we’ve seen it so many times as of late. Johnny Ace shenanigans as Punk beats Ziggler about a million times (four actually) before we saw Ace decide to be a good “Little Johnny” and helps the referee make a three-count. If the Ace factor hadn’t been a part of the match, it might have had some chance of being good, but the segments with Ace “helping the referee” just killed it all for me.

As for the Rumble itself, Alex Riley, we barely remember you. And quickly he was gone. No one really seems to care until Foley shows up. Damn, he’s gotten big!

The Foley – Santino stuff was funny. I love Ricardo and the old beat up car he drove in. Alberto Del Rio (get well soon – we miss you) is probably so proud. I hope that we see a replay of some sort of this tonight on RAW. Mr. Socko versus The Cobra! WWE Feud of the Year. I sense a tag team being formed.

Here comes the King from his position at ringside. There goes the King back to ringside. Great Khali = WTF? Booker T is in the match. Now, can you dig it… SUCKA!

Dolph is back for his second match of the evening. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Hoooooooo! (Kelly Kelly asks, “are you talking to me?”) Michael Cole is in. What the hell? Christian is held out of the Rumble, but Michael Cole is in? Geez!

Here comes Kharma!! Glad to see her back. Good moves by Lawler and Booker to pull Michael Cole down from the apron and cause his “elimination”. Just imagine Michael Cole in the main event at Wrestlemania… My head hurts!

Road Dogg is here! Where is Mr. Ass? Finally, we get some big names as Wade Barrett, Sheamus, Chris Jericho, Big Show and David Otunga are all out. It took this long to get some legitimate “stars” in that have a chance. Randy Orton is here too. It comes down to Jericho and Sheamus. The world doesn’t come to an end because the Great White with the bright red hair beats out the “Ayatollah of Rock n’ Rolla”.

And that’s it. The lack of depth of the Rumble match just shows how sad and pitiful the roster in the WWE really is right now. Where was Heath Slater? Where was William Regal? Where was Hornswoggle? There were only about three or four guys in the Rumble that even (logically) had a chance to win the match and the rest was just filler and comedy. And I’ll admit that I popped for the return of The Road Dogg and Kharma, but overall, this whole show just didn’t do it for me.

I expect (hope) that RAW will be awesome tonight because usually when the WWE bombs with one big show, the next one is off the charts. I hope they continue to follow course. So let’s find out if that’s true. It’s 8:30pm right now and RAW comes on in less than 30 minutes on the USA Network. So I’m going to go watch WWE Monday Night RAW right now and I’ll be back in a few hours with my…

RAW Thoughts…

I just realized something as I sat down to do my RAW thoughts. I’m currently wearing a pair of black sweats, a t-shirt and a flannel shirt. Yeppers, without even meaning to, I’m dressed like Mick Foley. Of course, I’m wearing a “Peep Show” t-shirt, in honor of Christian, instead of a Foley shirt, but that’s about the only difference. Well, that and I have all of my teeth. Bang Bang!! Let’s talk about RAW.

We start off with John Laurinaitis and he looks like he’s trying to run for President as he handshakes and smiles to everyone and anyone who will look in his direction.He’s confident that his job is safe and that HHH will make him the permanent RAW GM.

Ace announces the participants for the RAW Elimination Chamber Match (CM Punk, Dolph Ziggler, Kofi Kingston, The Miz and Chris Jericho) and runs down the matches for tonight. WWE Champion CM Punk versus World Champion Daniel Bryan. Miz versus Kofi. Dolph versus Randy Orton. Beth Phoenix versus Eve. Sounds good so far.

CM Punk comes out and the man is NOT a good singer. We get some classic Punk trash talking and here comes Daniel Bryan out as well. Bryan says he’s a role model and a Vegan. Some trash talking with Punk and Bryan and it all ends in a handshake. Not a bad opening segment and I have to admit that I like the idea of Punk versus Bryan. Johnny Ace still sucks though.

We start off with a really good match between Randy Orton and Dolph Ziggler. Wade Barrett is there too, but he’s pulling an old WCW move and is in the Sky-Box with Josh Matthews. Nothing really significant here except for a great wrestling match. Orton wins.

Cole and King recap the Kane – Cena – Ryder epic from last night and I think I can feel my grapefruits burning. Let’s get this over with soon. There will be a HOF announcement later and I’ve already told you who it was earlier. They should induct Alice Cooper next year – and Jake Roberts too. It’ll be the 20th Anniversary of their classic match against the Honky Tonk Man at Wrestlemania III.

More Johnny Ace ass-kissing in the back and we get a William Regal appearance. Ace asks about Regal’s “boys” and we find out they’re girls… and twins. Conjoined twins at that. Funny. And there is Curt Hawkins, who looks remarkably like an early-day Christian. Maybe one day, he’ll reek of awesomeness too. Or maybe he’ll just reek. Who knows?

Brodus Clay beats up Tylder Reks. Yo baby yo baby yo!

And we see CM Punk in the back talking with Daniel Bryan. They explain vegan and straight-edge. I want a hamburger and a beer. We get the match and it’s Punk versus Bryan. I can’t believe the WWE is giving away this match for free on TV. Wait! Yes, I can. This is the 2012 version of “Flair versus Steamboat” and I’m liking the match. Someone is going to interfere and screw it up. And on cue, here is Chris Jericho. He pulls Bryan off the apron, gives Punk a Codebreaker and gives us “the look!”. Looks like the Punk / Jericho rivalry has begun.

Mike Tyson is announced as the newest member of the HOF and we get R-Truth dressed to the nines for some commentary work. It’s Miz versus Kofi. Miz rags on Kofi for the handstand stunt at the Rumble and brags about his own performance. A fairly decent match ensues and Kofi kicks Miz in the head to get the win.

Another good match. The promos aren’t really cutting it tonight, but the matches have been excellent. David Otunga is here with his coffee cup and he kisses up to Johnny Ace before going to get a refill.

Beth Phoenix squases Eve. You know what I said about the matches being excellent? Well, that’s over with now. From bell to bell was 31 seconds. Lame. I was hoping we’d see Kharma make an appearance.

Beth leaves and here comes Kane on the Titantron to scare Eve. And then to the ring to kill Eve, but Super-Cena comes out to the rescue. Why play his music to announce he’s coming out? That’s stupid.

Cena comes out and attacks Kane. Cena has his “mad face” on. After taking a whooping, Kane flees. And Cena gets cheezy with the pandering to the fans and the fake Marine salute. I really am getting where I don’t like John Cena. If he’d play it serious, it’d be cool, but he has to cheese it up and it ruins everything.

Johnny Ace comes to the ring and says that he’s been doing a great job. Here comes HHH and he doesn’t agree. HHH rags on Ace and Ace kisses up and HHH makes Ace apologize to the WWE Universe. This is so lame. HHH threatens to make Ace a part of a very special club and Ace seems to be cool with the idea as he puts on fresh chapstick. FREAK! HHH gets serious and begins to wish Ace well in his future… And then it starts.

DONG! DONG! DONG! DONG!

The Undertaker is here! Freakin’ A! Taker and HHH lock eyes and Taker begins that long, long, long walk to the ring. By the time he gets there, Ace has vanished and ve get the classic face-down. Taker makes the slashing motion across the throat. HHH looks Taker up and down and pats him on the shoulder before walking out of the ring. And Taker is standing there, looking at the Wrestlemania XXVIII sign as the show ends.

The action was good tonight as we three really good matches. But the commentary sucked (as always) and it just dragged in parts. It wasn’t a bad show by any means (and hell yeah, I did mark out when Taker showed up), but it wasn’t really a great show either. I’ll use the Johnny Ace method of self-evaluation and give it a 3.8. The Road To Wrestlemania is off to a rocky start. Let’s hope that things pick up along the way.

So there you go. And that’ll do it for me tonight. I’ll be back in a couple of days with my fellow pundit of power-slams, the infamous Russell Jackson, with a new edition of “Wrestling Fact or Fiction”. Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com.

Also, while you’re out surfing the net, go check out my blogsite at www.tsfiction.blogspot.com. There’s lots and lots of stuff. 507 posts as of right now and many, many more to come. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll scratch your head, and most importantly, you’ll have fun. Check it out.

I’m Doug and that’s all folks. I’m outta here! Thanks for reading and don’t forget to support your local Indy wrestling company. They deserve it and that’s where the stars of tomorrow are coming from. It’s true. It’s damn true!

Ubuntu!

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